Perhaps I watch too many movies. Maybe I read too many books. Maybe I just have my expectations set way too high. Or, it could be that I’m just an incurable romantic at heart, despite being buried beneath a slightly cynical exterior. As we approach the 14th of February, I find my thoughts turning to romantic love and relationships, and the lack of either one through the course of my life to date.
I guess I have certain ideas about what that kind of love is supposed to be like, and I have yet to find anything that even remotely resembles it. I see it in other couples, and as much as I try to avoid comparison, I can’t help but wonder what it is they have that I seem to be missing. Is there, like, a romance gene that has somehow been filtered out of my DNA? Is there a defect in my very soul that won’t allow me to have a love like that? Or am I just stupid and oblivious? Whatever the explanation, it brings nothing but frustration.
It feels like I want something that I either can’t or I’m not supposed to have. It’s like the proverbial carrot on a stick, dangling right out there in front of me, taunting me, daring me to reach for it, knowing that it will always be just out of reach, but hoping against hope that, somehow, this time, my reach will exceed my perceived reality.
There are those well meaning people who, in an attempt to be encouraging, tell me to be patient, to wait on God’s timing, that He’s got “someone” out there for me. I’m starting to think this elusive someone may be in the witness protection program.
My guess (and it’s only a guess at this point) is that there’s still something I have yet to learn in this season of singleness, and I’m apparently too thick-skulled to learn it, or even realize what it actually is. Maybe it’s patience, maybe it’s contentment in all circumstances, maybe it’s how to be fully reliant on God alone. Could be all of the above, or it could be, in the words of the boys from Monty Python, “something completely different.”
James 1:2-4 reads, “Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” I want everything God has for me in this, and I want to be “perfect and complete,” but I don’t necessarily want to wait for it. Sort of a spiritual catch-22.
There’s a phrase that appears 3 times in Song Of Solomon that says “do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” I, admittedly, have been guilty of awakening love well before the alarm was set to go off. It’s probably no accident that it’s never turned out very well. And, those experiences may have made me err on the side of extreme caution (hence my propensity towards waiting 5-6 years between relationships). Probably not the healthiest of responses, either. So, it seems there’s a balance to be struck; a balance between caution and risk-taking. I’ve yet to find where that balance lies, but I think I’m inching closer to it, day by day.
For now, I’m simply asking God to direct me into each step He wants me to take, to point out each turn as He wants me to take it. I’m asking Him to highlight hope, to show me glimpses into the plans He’s leading me into, to spur me on to continued obedience and trust in Him and Him alone. I’m asking for an increased capacity to learn whatever it is I’m supposed to be learning. And, I’m asking for Anne Hathaway to find Christ, move into town and fall madly in love with me. (OK, the last one is a pipe dream, but, you have to admit, she’s really cute.) There may or may not be someone out there for me, but I know that, no matter what, I am loved, and I am more than the sum of my emotions and my past. And, really, who could ask for anything more?
