All I Want For Christmas . . .

My parents have requested (well, almost demanded, really) a list of things I would like to receive for Christmas. This is a difficult question for me, because a) I hate asking for things (that’s another blog for another time), and b) I can never think of anything I really need. There are lots of things that I want, but I feel silly asking for those because, well, it’s all just stuff. Mostly stuff for which I don’t have space. So, much to the dismay of my parents, my wish list is pretty short and painfully practical.

This discussion brought about a new train of thought for me this year. What, in all the world, do I want this Christmas? Many things came to mind. A house of my own. A new car (preferably a Jeep Wrangler, if anyone wants an extravagant gift idea . . .). A date for New Year’s . . . but I digress. As I pondered each of these things, nothing resonated in my soul as a true desire, a deep and stirring passion. As I continued to ponder over the next several days, it finally hit me. The one thing that I really want, above all else. I want a broken heart.

I know. Weird, right?

I don’t mean the kind of broken heart where a woman reaches into my rib cage, removes my heart, throws it on the floor and performs a Riverdance upon it (not that I’ve ever had that happen). No, I mean the kind of heart the breaks for those who have yet to find the peace and freedom I’ve found in following Christ. The heart that Christ himself had for those who refused to know and follow him.

Luke relays a story about Jesus that was only brought to my attention recently. Jesus is nearing Jerusalem, heading towards his betrayal, trail, and death on a cross. “But as he came closer to Jerusalem and saw the city ahead, he began to weep. “How I wish today that you of all people would understand the way to peace. But now it is too late, and peace is hidden from your eyes. Before long your enemies will build ramparts against your walls and encircle you and close in on you from every side. They will crush you into the ground, and your children with you. Your enemies will not leave a single stone in place, because you did not accept your opportunity for salvation.” Jesus was heading straight for the cross, and he was weeping for the ones who were going to put him there. More than that, he was weeping . . . for us.

That’s the heart I want. The heart that cries over the people who don’t yet know Christ. The heart that grieves for those who refuse to see the truth of who God truly is. I don’t have that heart yet. I feel sadness for them, and I want to see those who are lost find the love I’ve found. But my heart doesn’t break for them. And I wonder why.

As I look back on my spiritual growth, I feel a little like the Hebrews to whom Paul wrote. “You have been believers so long now that you ought to be teaching others. Instead, you need someone to teach you again the basic things about God’s word. You are like babies who need milk and cannot eat solid food.” (Hebrews 5:12) I feel like I’m so wrapped up in my own growth process that I forget about the primary call on the lives of all Christ followers: “Therefore, go and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Teach these new disciples to obey all the commands I have given you. And be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:19-20) I forget this far too often.

So, there you have it. My personal “Ultimate Christmas Gift.” A full on broken heart for those who need Christ and just don’t realize it yet. And the ability to pursue my own spiritual growth without losing sight of the reason I’m trying to be more like Christ; so that I can point more and more people to Him.